I sometimes still feel like a fraud when I introduce myself by my real name. It felt like I was forcing it out of my mouth, which at first felt like against its will. “Hi, I’m Gracen.” “What was it?” people usually said, “Grace is fine. I’m Grace.” 

Two mornings ago I repeated “Gracen” four times before this man was able to recognize what I was saying. If this would have been a few years ago, I would have said Grace after the first try instead of letting his brain hear Gracen for the fourth. I’m not making an argument that I have an unusual name because it is starting to get more popular. Maybe I’m making the argument that when I say my name people don’t understand what I’m saying, or aren’t used to it being for a girl. Or maybe I’m making the argument that as a woman we like to pick the easier and safer route to make other people more comfortable.

I didn’t go by Gracen, or even like my name, until college. I decided to start college by writing Gracen on my papers at school. I then slowly began to realize that my real name was really, really cool. For so many years I did everything in my power to be called Grace. To take a more basic, easier to understand route. 

It isn’t really as deep as the names for me. I could honestly care less if someone were to call me Grace after I introduced myself as Gracen and honestly don’t even really notice it. And for my family or people I grew up with, hearing Gracen coming out of their mouths would almost sound foreign. But what I do notice is the person that has accepted herself for exactly who and what she is is the person that I am now. Gracen is my real name and I chose to go by Grace to have a better chance of blending in.  I used to feel as if sometimes I was fighting between these two identities that I never knew was an internal battle before I moved across the country. Fighting between being Grace or Gracen.

When you grow up in a small town you are growing up with people from kindergarten until you are a senior in high school. Some of these people you decide to go onto college with and continue on the friendship, others this is where it ends. When people have known you for essentially their whole life they feel a sense of entitlement for the person that you will become. As if it’s your job to grow into the mold that will make them most comfortable. Then when you don’t it makes people believe that you are betraying them; however, staying true to yourself can sometimes mean making other people uncomfortable. I feel a lot of love for my hometown and the lessons that it taught me. It taught me to be humble and to appreciate the small things (especially the fall season). I loved growing up in Marshall, and Marshall loved me back. However, I knew that living in a small town was never something that I desired in my adult life.

The first time that I noticed that people were upset with me moving across the country, taking pictures of myself on instagram and living a life outside of Marshall, MI was my first anonymous, mean message from an old high school friend. This was during a time where I was already having some sort of an identity crisis after graduating college. I was back in my childhood home where Grace used to live. I had been Gracen for 4 years at school but now here she is again. Who did she want to be? Who was she meant to be? 

I moved across the country and began to form new interests that had always been inside of me. I adapted a love for fashion which was something that had always been compromised based on who I was around, and who I had to make comfortable. Make them comfortable, be who they need you to be, do what you’re supposed to do. That’s how I felt a lot of the time. I’m not exactly sure when that flipped for me. But the thing that I have learned is that I am exactly who I want to be, and we aren’t required to grow up and be the person that others want us to be. 

I read somewhere recently that the key to achieving the person that you’re meant to become isn’t about finding yourself. There isn’t going to be a day where you wake up and realize that you’re “found.” The way to becoming that person is doing the things every day that that person would do. If you want to be a writer, then you have to spend every day writing. If you want to be the girl that gets up early and goes to get a coffee before work, then you need to set your alarm earlier. If you want to be the girl that puts herself out there, then you have to give yourself the chance to do so. 

In high school I had a chalkboard in my room and for years there was a quote on it that said, “we are who we say we are.” The key to becoming the person that you want to be is simply being her. And being her regardless of how it makes others feel, or if it’s who you’re “expected” to be. I do agree with the fact that just because we say we are something doesn’t necessarily make it true. But the principle is that we can become whoever and whatever we want by implementing practices into our daily lives that reflect that purpose. We are the only people that need to believe in ourselves to make the life that we desire happen. It’s important to tap into our most authentic selves and pull her out in every room we walk into. It’s important to say your name until they hear you.