I took a month off of social media, but it was not a cleanse. A cleanse to me reminds me of a facial or a warm shower; getting rid of the bad while welcoming the new. Relaxing. This was not those things, at least at first.

Social media to me was numbing. It was where I went when I didn’t want to feel whatever I was feeling. It was where I went when I wanted to forget something that was hurting, making me sad or a feeling of loneliness. It was where I went to get the likes and the comments that validated exactly what I wanted to hear about myself. I felt advice and comfort in the tweets, the tiktoks, the cliche instagram quotes that are reshared, the refresh button. It became almost an escape from the one person I needed most, myself. 

You know the feeling when your hands are numb and slowly the tingling happens and then it kind of burns and then slowly, but surely, you begin to feel again? That’s what this process felt like to me. The tingling was me picking up my phone time and time again every time I wanted an escape. Then came the burning; all of the feelings that I had worked so hard to suppress and mindlessly detach myself from. The feelings in my chest that I had pushed further and further down began to float again. And then, finally, came the feeling of being an actual human again. I realized that it was never about me not wanting to feel but me not giving myself the permission to feel in a way that would welcome healing. 

Considering these blogs are written in real time of my growing and healing journey, I am learning along with you. I have already acknowledged that the “No Rules” blog post allowed me to stay stuck. No rules was supposed to be me giving myself the time to heal and to acknowledge my feelings, but in actuality it was the opposite because of social media. I would be sad and give myself permission to numb myself. And social media was the drug of choice. Scrolling mindlessly for hours a day and watching other people live their lives while searching for the courage to do the same. 

My favorite quote lately has been “the universe whispers until she screams.” We all have the quiet thoughts of needing to change something about ourselves but save it for a different day. We push the thought away until the thought comes back a little bit louder next time. Then louder. And louder. And suddenly so loud that you have no choice but to listen. That’s exactly how this “cleanse” came to me, loud and screaming. 

I don’t think this generation talks enough about the numbness of social media and the actual addiction-like effects that it has on our brains. Every time we press that refresh button we are getting instant gratification that is releasing the same hormones that are released when we eat, have sex, spend time in the sun, hug, or do anything else rewarding. Additionally this hormone, dopamine, is released when we do drugs. As a human, we are always looking for the quickest way to feel good; or in other terms, release dopamine into our brains. Now that we have the power in a screen that is attached to our hand, it is no wonder we spend hours a day going from app to app to quickly feel good. But the key word is quickly, and things that are easily accessible are usually the things that leave. So there goes the fleeting feeling, and you’re right back on your phone refreshing the same page 10 minutes later. 

One of the things that really woke me up from my social media coma was someone saying to me “imagine what you could accomplish if you spent the time you spent on your phone on something you loved.” And for me, this is writing. Imagine if I spent the 5-6 hours a day working on my book, or my blog OR just writing because I love it. Imagine where I would be if I utilized that time to actually work on the things that the universe was whispering, before I gave her time to scream. Imagine where I would be if I gave myself one month of discipline. I think at the end of the day, we all owe ourselves one month of discipline, because that one month will slowly turn to two and then three and then new habits are created. But they don’t start until we do. 

Since having social media back I have not been perfect, and actually far from it. I find myself slipping into old habits but now I have the confidence and the experience that I am perfectly okay without social media. In fact, I’m probably better without it. I always tell people that the first step is self awareness and the next step is the execution. Being self aware is the easy part, actually stepping outside of yourself and your comfort zone is the part that takes the actual work and discipline. However, when I would think about what the people that I admired the most were doing, the answer was staying true to themselves. I admire people the most when they are doing the hard things, putting themselves out there and creating something impactful. These weren’t the people that were glued to their phone for a majority of the day. The thing with giving up social media is that you will go from having instant gratification in the palm of your hand to having to search for it. You will feel the absence of dopamine and will pick up your phone 100x a day habitually. Think about your future self and choose her first, become the person that you admire most.