I have written many times about meeting myself, and then coming back to myself. The act of it feels weird- to be with myself all the time but feel like my best version is floating somewhere higher only to try and grab onto her and bring her back down. I often find myself rereading old blog posts and thinking, “There she is! There’s the version of me I recognize. Let me hold on to her.” But then she slips away again… or at least, that’s what I used to believe.

I started therapy again in January. Sometimes when I say that to people they instantly get weird- as if I just told them a big secret and they have to nod and quickly change the subject or else the trauma will just pour out of me. But therapy to me is meeting a version of myself I have always known, and understanding her better. 

It reminds me of what it feels like to grow up in the same house your whole life. Everything feels familiar, settled exactly where it’s always been. But then, one day, you pause and really look around. The carpet is a different color than you remembered. There’s a picture on the wall you’ve never truly noticed, even though it’s always been there. Everything that I felt like I knew, was looked over and never touched. Therapy feels similar- the noticing and the touching. 

I used to have an idea that this version of my “highest self” would come out when everything was perfectly in its place. “Once this happens, I will be here.” “As soon as I master this routine then everything will fall into place.” It turns out our highest self is made up and the reason for that is- she has never been a destination that I will reach, but just a version I have to notice. 

One thing I’ve come to realize is that becoming a product of my environment and adapting to whatever surrounds me, will never truly satisfy what I want or need on the inside. For the past six months, I’ve had a mantra running through my head almost constantly: go, feel, stay. Go somewhere. See how it feels. Stay if it’s good. 

And of course, there’s the other side of the coin: go, feel, get the fuck out. Go somewhere new, feel it out, and if it’s not right-leave. No hesitation. No guilt. When I look back at the versions of myself that felt disconnected or out of alignment, it’s often because I stayed when the answer was screaming the opposite. I stayed in jobs, places, relationships, friendships that dulled something inside of me, hoping they’d eventually feel right. But they never did, and I’m learning that honoring how something feels in the moment is far more powerful than forcing it to make sense later. I am learning to trust when something feels bad.

I was listening to a podcast recently where Glennon Doyle shared a similar mantra: pain, waiting, rising. The idea that you feel the pain, sit with it, and then rise- growing and becoming more fully yourself through the process. Lately, I’ve been moving away from the belief that there are “higher” or better versions of myself just waiting to be unlocked. Instead, I’ve started to realize that the real work is in running closer and closer to who I already am, and trusting that my highest self will meet me there.