Teaching has always been in my DNA. My grandma was a teacher, both of my parents were teachers, and my sister also works in the schools. On top of that, my dad was my tennis coach growing up and I coached my first solo camp when I was 16. I would say that I have “teacher like” tendencies from having an older sister, and watching my parents work and coach. I enjoy helping people get to their goals and at times, have brought this into my relationships. However, I have realized that I no longer want to be a teacher when it comes to my future relationships. 

The rebuttal to the blind eye is that we have the opportunity to witness how other people love and decide if it is the love that we accept. 

For a long time I failed to recognize my agency when it comes to who I choose to date. I would see the good in people, and part of me would think that I could fix (or overcome) the bad. I honestly don’t even like admitting that but the reality of most relationships is holding onto the good while failing to acknowledge, or accepting, the bad. The rebuttal to the blind eye is that we have the opportunity to witness how other people love and decide if it is the love that we accept. 

In my past relationships I remember having multiple conversations about what I wanted to be different. I wanted better communication, I wanted more effort, I wanted to be *loved differently.* At the time, I thought that conversations would help, that teaching and telling how I wanted the love to look would fix the fundamental makeup of someone else’s experience. That persistence and lots of communication about how I was feeling would be enough. But the thing about teaching is that the person has to want to learn. There comes a point where you realize, if I have to “teach” someone how to love me properly then maybe this just isn’t for me. 

People show you who they are and how they love fairly early. We have the ability to observe the way that they treat others, and the effort that they put into getting to know you; so it is rarely a secret how the rest of the relationship will go. I believe that turning a blind eye to the attributes that don’t align with your relationship goals, morals, or future is an act of self betrayal. This may seem harsh, but hang with me. 

Confidence and self esteem are not mutually exclusive, meaning they can coincide, however, they don’t always do. I define confidence by your ability to walk into a room of people that you don’t know, putting yourself in new opportunities knowing you’re worthy, the way that you treat those around you, and the trust you have within yourself. However, self esteem is a little bit different. To me, self esteem is choosing to do what is best for you, even if it isn’t the easiest option. It is choosing to not betray the answers that you already know for a more comfortable option. 

It seems to me that men naturally have very high self esteem. It *seems* easy for them to put their feelings aside for their own greater good. In my experience, it’s more natural for women to betray themselves and their intuition for the greater good of someone else. It goes without saying that this comes from how society views and treats women and the constant question of the female word. Take the doctor’s office for example, women have to advocate just to be heard in their pain or to gain a diagnosis. A study done by Northwell Health states, “it’s no accident that the word ‘hysteria’ originates from the Greek word for ‘uterus.’ There’s still this pervasive belief in the medical community that anytime a woman complains about her health, it’s either related to her hormones or all in her head.” After being gaslit and questioned, it’s difficult to not turn on yourself.

I have realized that the only way to build self esteem is to practice not betraying the answers that we already know. It is the act of moving on instead of staying to teach. It is recognizing the reality of the love that you deserve over the potential of the love that you have. It is staying patient in your standards over rushing for comfortability. It is not putting yourself into a mold of what you think society wants you to be. It is advocating to be heard when your pain is not acknowledged. And lastly, it is choosing what is best for you over what is best for someone else.