I have written myself a letter on my birthday since I was 16 years old. This year I wrote my 10th letter to myself as a 25 year old. As I was looking through the eyes of my 16 year old self, I remember feeling like my future self was so far away. I didn’t realize, at the time, that I would be able to go and visit my past self through reading these letters each year. Each year, I’m able to see that my future self is always listening. 

I’ve written before about being a little bit angsty between the ages of 15-17. But along with the angst, came a deep longing to know and connect with myself deeper. She was the person who started these letters, and in turn, allowed me to hear myself better. In each letter I like to reflect on the past year and then tell myself what I am inviting for the next year. It feels like I’m talking to my future and past self at the same time. When I was 16 I wrote about a boy that I wanted to like me, then when I was 18 I wrote about my grandpa dying unexpectedly. I can honor both of those versions for exactly where they were. I don’t blame my 16 year old self for not knowing what was to come. Next year I will go back and look at my 25th birthday letter and think the same thing, “if only she knew.” 

When I was 20 I started an online journal entry that I titled “A Day In the Life.” At the time I was living alone in East Lansing working 3 jobs– one at the House of Representatives as a Legislative Intern, another as a cart girl on a golf course, and lastly serving tables at a pizza place. During that time I had written something that has always stuck with me– so much so that I just made a large piece of art for my living room that was inspired by it. I wrote, “think about your future self, and let her grow first.” 

There is a part of me that feels like I am constantly writing to each version of myself. Sometimes I will write something before my brain has even processed the thought. Like if I don’t put that thought down on paper, I will never hear myself. So while going back and reading entries or blogs, there are times where it doesn’t feel like I am reading my own written words. As if my past self was giving my future self a message, knowing she would need it later. I don’t know how to explain it, but writers get it. 

When we think about our future self we often forget that everything we do is molding her. That our everyday actions are the seeds being planted for her, and our reactions and habits are the water and sunlight growing her. This is why it’s important to choose her first. I’m not watering and nurturing my past self but giving my future self the recipe to expand. Allowing her to grow and bloom into each new version, while gracefully allowing the past versions to go. 

It’s sometimes comforting to know that your present self doesn’t have the answers. That in this exact moment you are just gravitating towards the light and the warmness. That your future self might not know the answers either, but is always stepping towards a truer version. I recommend writing letters to yourself, because if anything, it allows you to see how far you have bloomed.