Written by the girl who used to give a lot of fucks.

I used to chronically care a lot. About everything. I used to classify myself a “people pleaser” and say that it was because I cared SO much about other people. (I want to start by saying that if you classify yourself a “people pleaser” please stop now. People pleasers don’t have boundaries and we are too old to let people walk all over us and make it a personality trait. ANYWAYS!) I am here to say- that I give a lot less fucks than I used to and here is how. 

I saw a tweet recently that said “being judged by someone that I would not take advice from is not something that I concern myself with.” And although I knew that I already felt this way, seeing it in the words that I was feeling allowed it to really click in my brain. It feels obvious to say, but that makes perfect sense! Why would I care if someone judged me, when that person isn’t someone that I admire or would want to trade places with?

 There are times where our bodies react to words before our brain has a chance to think about it. Sometimes, someone could say something rude, judgemental or ignorant and our body tenses. We feel the pit in our stomach and it triggers the brain to say “Woah! Do you feel this?? This matters!!” Before we even have a second to sink into ourselves. This is our nervous system that has been trained by society to seek the outside validation of others. So when we feel as if we are disappointing those around us, our body goes into fight or flight. However, the thing about fight or flight is that there is still a decision to be made.

If you allow yourself to step out of your body and into your head, I want you to ask yourself these questions upon feeling your body react- “Does this opinion change the way that I truly feel about myself/my situation?” “Is this someone who’s opinion is truly valuable to my life at this moment?” and lastly “Is this a projection of this person’s own insecurities?” Once you ask yourself these questions then you can easier assess the amount of fucks that need to be given. (I am at the point where I just ask if I actually care, the answer as of lately has been nope, not really.) 

However, caring about things is not a flaw. In fact, it is a superpower when used properly. And sometimes, things hurt and you do care. In this case, I like to give myself a reaction time. There have been so many times where I have been in a disagreement with someone over text and my thumbs are moving faster than my brain. After a couple hours have passed since the argument, and my mind is much more clear, I begin to think about how I would have approached the situation differently and what I would have said. I have learned to give myself time to react to the things that I care about. This way I don’t jump to conclusions and become the ass I am writing about.

When I first moved to Arizona people would come and visit (or just say after never been there before) “that’s cool! But I could never live there.” Then I moved to my tiny studio apartment in downtown Chicago and I heard the same thing, “thats cool! But could never be me.” Then I got my job in corporate america and again it was, “congrats! I could never.” I realized that it soon was coming from just about everything that I was doing. Nine times out of ten, I never asked the person if it was something they would want to do.

 At first, this would cause me to question myself and if I was where I was supposed to be. My body would tense and I would feel that flash of insecurity. And then I would hear the questions immediately after- “is this an opinion that you need to keep doing what makes you happy?” No, so smile and politely say, “well, it’s a good thing that you don’t have to!” 

It seems that the most common theme in my writing is about trusting yourself. Trusting that you’re where you’re supposed to be. Trusting that the people around you have your best interest at heart. And trusting what’s meant for you will find you. One of the biggest things that I have learned about trusting myself is that I have to trust my people as well. I am currently at the age where all of my friends are living completely different experiences than my own. They are all on their own destined path and trying to figure it out the same way that I am. And everyone is going through hard things. It is not my job to tell my people the answers. The same way it is not their job to tell me the answers. I used to get so worked up that my friends weren’t leaving that toxic partner, or weren’t doing what I perceived to be the “right” answer. Here is what I learned from those experiences- I was not living inside of my own life. 

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in our friends’ lives and want to give them the answers. Hell, all we do is vent, and tweet and post and text anyways. Now that I feel more present in my own life, and confident in my decisions, I trust my people to feel the same. I know that when they have come to a decision that the decision is what feels the best to them, and it is not my job to tell them that I think it is wrong. I know that when they come to me for advice it is because they value my opinion, not because I am making a decision for them. And lastly, I trust them to trust themselves because I have learned to only surround myself with only those types of people. 

We only have a certain amount of fucks to give each day. And to be honest, the more sparingly that we use them, the more they go to things that actually matter. It’s important to know the things that matter and be able to brush off the things that don’t. Know yourself well enough to feel confident in where your energy goes.