There are times where I feel like my head is attached to a balloon that is floating higher and higher into the sky. I can feel it getting closer to the clouds but sometimes it takes me a while to realize that I am holding the string to pull it back down. I can feel the head floating higher and I can feel the string in my hand, but what next? How do I pull me…back down to me? 

“Sometimes the easier answer is to continue the patterns that are familiar, instead of actively pursuing healthier boundaries and habits. But people have never spent much time writing about the easy answer.”

I would consider myself to be an extroverted introvert. When I am in groups I can be outgoing, and can usually have a conversation with anyone. However, being around people for a long period of time can begin to feel draining. I start to shut down and get overstimulated; this feeling is essentially my body telling me that I need to recharge. It is the feeling of the balloon floating a little too high. 

I also feel this way if I have been drinking too much, avoiding writing or not doing the things that fuel my soul. I have had to spend time with myself to question how the act of doing things that we know don’t serve our souls, or our personal growth detach us from being our best selves. How we knowingly ignore the things that are good for us, the things that help us, and instead attach to the things that make us feel the least, and take the least amount of effort. How do the things that bring the most instant gratification actually, in turn, cause us to betray ourselves? 

At the big age of 24 I can give the most rational answer to this question, stop doing the things that make you feel like you’re losing yourself. However, at the young age of 24, I can also say that this is easier said than done. Sometimes the easier answer is to continue the patterns that are familiar, instead of actively pursuing healthier boundaries and habits. But people have never spent much time writing about the easy answer. So let’s do better.

After spending a lot of time alone, in therapy, and writing I have discovered the only way to bring you back down to you, is to know yourself. If you can’t acknowledge what makes you feel off, then you’ll never be able to determine how to fix it. For me, the long term fixers include: journaling, writing gratitudes, writing prayers/manifestations, and meditating. Whereas the short term fixers include: cooking, erasure poetry, collaging, walks, and working out. 

The words long term/short term are in bold because the long term fixers might not be what brings the fastest validation but more so allow me time to reflect and reevaluate. The short term fixers usually make me feel better pretty instantly without being a distraction from my brain.

This generation has done a really good job at not allowing ourselves to feel fully while also expecting others to feel for us. We expect others to give us the answers on how we feel about ourselves in the way that they validate us. I’m not exactly sure why this is, but I think it’s because we are too scared to spend the genuine time getting to know ourselves. We sit on our phones and watch hours of other people’s lives while ours is passing us by. I am participating! But in doing so, I am numbing my brain and I have an instant distraction from anything hard. 

During the month of January I deleted all my social media apps (yes, I’ve already written about this). It was a great experiment to prove that I do not need the outside validation that they bring. However, after redownloading the apps I fell into similar patterns again. I realized that I could delete them all together (which honestly felt weirdly scary to me). Or I could try something else out to make a change. About a month or two after moving to Chicago I started the 2 hour rule. For 2 hours a day (for me it is from 7-9pm) I put my phone across the room from me and don’t touch it. During this time I like to do things that bring me back to myself. 

For the first hour of my no phone time I like to cook dinner, eat and clean my kitchen. I find that cooking for yourself is relaxing, but also feels like you’re being taken care of. It’s so easy to get lost in our everyday lives without checking in to make sure we’re feeding ourselves GOOD food, let alone taking care of everything else. So if you’re having a hard time, I suggest starting here. 

After I finish eating, I clean the kitchen so that there are no dirty dishes and the counters, floors and sink are clean (this is a flex, however, I promise it feels good to wake up to a clean kitchen). Then I usually take a shower and do something that is relaxing to me. Sometimes I watch a movie while journaling, other times I write a poem or sometimes I watch the most outrageous reality tv show I can find. All of this to say, I give myself the time to be with myself. I check in and see how I’m feeling, think about if I’m feeling off (and WHY) and then address it with myself, and not anyone else. 

Balloons are fragile. We know this. And when balloons get too high in the sky they pop (or they might get stuck in a tree that doesn’t allow them to float any higher). Find out how to pull you back down to yourself so you can hear, and listen to what you need and are feeling. Put your phone away so that you can be more available to yourself, and less available to others. And lastly, stop repeating the patterns that you know betray what helps your soul grow. We actively betray ourselves when we stop listening to ourselves. One of my favorite things to tell people is, “the answers are already inside you.” Whether you feel them in your faith, your gut, or your mom’s voice, we already know what is best for us and it’s our choice to pull the string back down and listen.