I wrote No Rules in a time where I needed to hear that there were no rules. “There’s No Rules at 23” was probably my most popular blog post yet with around 300 people reading it. I was so proud that people were reading what I was writing; and I realize now that a lot of people probably needed to hear it, too. I had a moment while I was home where a switch flipped. This switch has been teeter tottering between on and off for a couple weeks now- but is most definitely on now. The moment was where I realized that when there were no rules that I was allowed to stay the victim. Here is where I think I may have misled you. 

I feel as if I have been the “victim” for around 6 months now. Every blog I write about how hard this year has been for me and it is true. I was in the hospital twice for unknown heart problems, my boyfriend who lived across the country broke up with me and went on a reality show where he met someone else, and I essentially felt like I was going through it all alone. I felt betrayed by him, by people that didn’t understand what I was going through and even my own body. I would be upset about one thing and suddenly I was always crying about missing my family. It would always all fall together into being upset about multiple things and I would spiral. This was never, ever who I was. 

When I was home I came up in one of my friends’ parents’ conversations. They were talking about how much they loved me as a kid and one of my friend’s dad’s said “she is going to rule the world some day.” I had this moment of “holy shit. How can anyone rule the world when there are no rules?” There are rules. There are actually a lot of rules. And the first one is: 

Move on. 

Now that I feel like I have a couple friends who are going through similar things and similar breakups/scenarios my first piece of advice is to let yourself feel it. Sure, let yourself not have rules for a couple weeks. Let yourself eat the mac and cheese, lay in bed and cry in the shower- DO IT ALL. But then it is time to boss up. I want to reiterate that you can’t skip the no rules step. You do need to feel it all and you do need to give yourself grace in this time because otherwise it will come back in unwanted trauma or unneeded future retaliation. Be sad. And give yourself the time, and you will feel when that switch is ready to flip. 

I wrote an entry the day that the switch flipped. I wrote a line that said “Without the hurt, where would the love go?” That line was one of the lines that I wrote but didn’t know I was thinking and then when I thought about it, I literally couldn’t stop. I think that after something ends we are afraid to let go of the hurt because once we do, the love that we gave seemed to be for nothing. It’s the same feeling when someone we really, really loved passes away. You feel yourself start to fall into a routine again and you feel guilty for feeling any type of normalcy. Like if you stop hurting, then the love you had for them was never real, or goes away. I’m here to say that isn’t true. 

In the “We Can Do Hard Things” podcast by Glennon Doyle, there is an episode about boundaries. She is talking about how she used to get really defensive about her relationship and one day her sister said to her “we only get defensive about things that we feel can be taken from us.” I feel like this also goes with where the love goes. We are defensive about these loves and these relationships because we want others to see that they were real and see the love that we gave, but there comes a time where it doesn’t need to be real to anyone else, or maybe it no longer matters. Things can be real and have run their course. And at the end of the day, we are the only ones who lived that experience.

Moving on can be a really, really scary rule for someone who invested a lot into a relationship or stage of life. You might feel like this was your person, or that you were *meant* to be together. And maybe you are. But I truly, truly believe that if you are then you will. If you know me well, you know that I am writing a book called God Things. God things are defined by me as the little glimmers of light in what feels like the dark. For instance, when my grandpa passed away and my family got closer than ever. Or when the pandemic hit we were all forced to slow down in every aspect and appreciate the little things again. Both God things. Because of God things I believe that everything is happening for a distinct purpose or lesson. Each relationship you grow and learn more about what you want in a person. Each death that you go through teaches you to live more presently and love your people better. And everything that is meant to be will be. So when you feel like the hurt is slowly turning to peace and you feel that glimmer of guilt, remember that one day you will look back and see the God things. It may still seem unfair, but there will always be some glimmers of light. 

Lastly, I have discovered that one of my flaws is when I’m sad, I call people. I call them and I cry about why I’m sad and then they validate my reasons for being sad and then I feel better. The issue with this is that there isn’t a resolution to what is making me sad by doing this. I feel better because someone says to me “wow Grace that’s really sad!” or “I don’t know how you’re handling that!” and then I temporarily forget about it without a plan of execution. This is something else that no rules allows of us. My next rule is to sit in your feelings while you feel them and then make your own resolutions. It’s easy to get advice from others, but until you have the true intentions of executing the advice then it is just an idea from someone else. It’s important to figure out your intentions about basically everything; and then to write about them, think about them and put in the work towards them. If you’re not happy about your job, but yet all you’re doing towards that is complaining about your job, you will still wake up the next day with the same job. You feel me? Everything that you are physically doing right now towards your goals is only measured by the work that you are putting in. 

Ever since no rules, I have realized that I have a lot of rules. Maybe not when it comes to laying in bed all day or eating cake for breakfast, but definitely when it comes to choosing sadness. Stop choosing to be sad all the time. Because at the end of the sadness, you are going to be the same. Listen to the people who saw you as someone who was meant to rule the world, listen to the ones that are trying so hard to get you out of bed and listen to those moments of clarity when you feel the switch flip. Choose yourself. Because at the end of the day, that is truly all we have.