I have felt lately like it’s not right for me to post a blog post like my past posts. This blog has always been written in a way of having everything figured out; from my dating outlook to my faith, I go back and read those posts and I agree with that girl. She sounds so confident and sure of herself and since moving to Arizona, I have had to search for her at times. I have always used writing as a form of an escape. As if, if I didn’t write to get the emotions out I would explode. I used to write poems in my notes just to get the metaphors out of my head. Lately, a lot of what I have been writing didn’t feel like anything that I needed to share, because this blog has always been based upon what I know. One of my phrases that I say often is “I don’t know shit about shit” and that has rang very true since moving across the country away from everything that I used to know. I have had to realize that this was the actual test of who I am. Being at home, unemployed and everything in front of me was a great environment to find who I want to become; but now who am I when all of that is thousands of miles away?

I go back and read these blogs and realize that I made myself big. What I mean by that is I felt like my beliefs and my confidence were so big to the point that when I was wavering, I felt like I was failing myself. I have written before about the work that I put in during the pandemic. I searched and searched for myself to the point where I was able to find her and write about her, and give her the tools to make this move. I remember praying one night about moving far away and something in me said “you have the tools.” I moved here with that phrase in the back of my mind through all the tribulations. I have decided to stop acting like i have literally *anything* figured out and present to you some of my tools. It is important to also know that we still have the tools when who we are feels different than who we used to be. 

1. Make the time. 

Making the time is so simple yet one of the hardest things to do. I count my “rock bottom” as last summer. I was still holding onto toxic people and letting that take me out of character. I remember coming home and realizing I had no choice but to make the time to work on myself. This was the beginning of my journey of healing. Every morning I would workout, read my book and then write. This was monumental because it allowed me to put in the needed work and spend real time with myself. When you are masking your feelings with alcohol and distractions, it is harder to truly connect with your goals. I have continued these habits a year later (I’m not perfect, but I do make the time). This allows me to feel when I am neglecting myself and gives me the tools to pull myself out. 

2. You are not your anxiety. 

I have this written on a post-it note next to my white board that I read each morning. Anxiety for me is a body feeling; it is tightness in my chest, it is being over aware of my heart beat, it is thinking of worst case scenarios, it is feeling like I am always behind. Anxiety used to be something that I was always trying to beat. I was always trying to keep myself busy or masking the feelings of anxiety with temporary highs. These past 6 months I have had to really dive deep into what gives me anxiety. I realized that anything that feels like I am being abandoned puts me on 10. I have had to remind myself (often) that my feelings of anxiety and reality are not the same. Que the next tool. 

3. Is this a fear or reality? 

This is a question that my therapist will ask me when I am anxious. I realized that a lot of the things that were making me anxious were indeed fears rather than reality. When I am experiencing body anxiety it gets really hard to get myself out of it. Asking myself this question and giving this question to the people close to me to ask me has really helped me. A lot of the time anxiety lies, the scenarios that you put into your head and the doubts are not real. It is important to differentiate between your fears and realities of the situation. 

4. Just because you healed single, does not mean your relationship self has healed. 

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I WAS NOT EXPECTING. I was really really good at being single. I wrote all of these blog posts as a single woman who had everything figured out. I made my standards and then I stood on them and I found someone who reflected those standards back to me. And I am GRATEFUL. But what I was not expecting was that my past relationship trauma and insecurities were brought to the surface with this new relationship. Suddenly the voice in my head that I had worked so hard on was not the same voice. She was telling me that he would leave like everyone else had. Telling me that I wasn’t good enough anymore (even though I had been good enough when I was single). I realized that this voice was not coming from him but rather from my past bad experiences with men. I had to hold onto what was real in my relationship vs what was my anxiety. I started voicing the things that I was worried about to him and working through where these feelings were coming from. When you have someone that is truly FOR YOU, voicing how you feel will not be annoying for them as they want you to feel good. My advice for this is to spend time with your thoughts and sorting through where they come from. Why do you feel anxious when they don’t text back? Where does your mind go when you have anxiety? Is this reality? A tool that I used to sort through these questions was writing the exact feeling that I was experiencing and then the reality behind that feeling. This allowed me to see the fear vs the anxiety side by side without needing to go to him for that reassurance whenever I felt it. 

5. My heart is louder because she is stronger. 

With anxiety it is easy to believe the things in your head. I have had moments where I needed to really sink into myself to listen to my heart. When I did so, the answer was always strong and true. It was a strong, loud feeling of love and trust. That is who I listen to because that is who I truly am, we are not always the thoughts in our head. 

6. God’s timing is not always the same as yours. 

This is one that I am still accepting. I did not expect to be living across the country and working a job that has nothing to do with my degrees. My life right now is far from what I pictured. I have days where I literally have NO IDEA what I am doing here. I have watched my dream jobs come and go without me and I have seen my friends live lives that I had once wanted to live. Working the regular 9-5 has always felt like success and stability to me but I have quickly realized that success can look however I want it too. We all measure success differently; whether it is measured in how much money you make, how many friends you have, how happy you are, we get to decide. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and in its own destined timing. This is easier to believe than to accept. But we are WORKING on it. 

7. I AM STILL HER. 

Despite having all of these emotions that have made me feel like I am wavering in who I used to be, I am still her. I am the girl living at her parents who thought she had everything figured out, I am the 16 year old who wrote poems in the grocery store, I am the 4th grader who petitioned to get a salad bar put in the cafeteria, I am the 21 year old whose only goal was to go to the bar, I am the 20 year old who worked in the House of Representatives, I am the 23 year old who moved across the country. I am all of her. We are allowed to grow into our future selves while also appreciating who made us. This post might come off as if I lost confidence or as if I don’t know myself anymore and that couldn’t be further from the truth. Having these realizations and really digging deeper into myself has made me more confident and know myself MORE. It was like I have been studying for a test and now I am taking it. And I will not fail. I have said time and time again that these blog posts came from a place of certainty, and this comes from a place of realness. I have never been prouder to be her, and even more so on the hard days.