I have grown up with basically only positive relationships to look up to. My parents have been married for over 30 years and both my grandparents for over 50. I am so blessed to have witnessed real testaments of love and loyalty and it would be expected that that is all I would ever accept. However, this wasn’t always the case. Although I have had really good, healthy relationships, I also have had really unhealthy ones. Over time I have figured out that unhealthy relationships can result from an unhealthy relationship with yourself. Here is how I started to “date myself” until my relationship with myself reflects the relationship I want with my future husband.  

Before quarantine I never really had concrete standards for what I expected in a future partner. I went for guys who had somewhat of a “status” and were hard to get. They would usually come to me and be exactly what I wanted for a couple of months. Then the inconsistencies would start and I would look back and realize how many red flags I had ignored. Like blatant red flags. By this time we were both attached and from that bloomed toxic relationships. From failed relationships/situationships I realized what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I began to actually write this out and create lists for these things until I felt more confident knowing what behaviors I could or couldn’t tolerate. I have a list of “non-negotiables.” These are the things in a relationship that as soon as they are present, I will cut the person off. Sometimes this is easier said than done, but we’re growing here.

Now for the things that we do want in a relationship. Kindness, loyalty, trustworthy, motivated, loving…etc. But who do we have to become in order to attract these people? I wanted someone who embodied all of these things without ever holding myself to these same standards. Here is where I believe we need “date ourselves.” My friend Kylie sent me a tiktok where a girl was talking about if she would want to date herself. She asked herself questions on if she had the qualities that she was looking for, is she someone that she would want to date? If I were to ask myself that question 8 months ago, the answer would have been no. And not that I wasn’t a good person, but I was not actively working on myself the way that I am now. 

Now I am working on dating myself. I am honest with myself, kind to myself and working on holding myself to all of these same standards. I want someone who is motivated, so I am motivated. I want someone who tells the truth, so I tell the truth. I want someone who actively helps people, so I help people. I have found that it’s easy to blame things on other people for the way that you were treated. But it’s harder to look at yourself and also ask how you can be better. Or, why are you with this person in the first place? Adjusting the standards that you hold yourself too elevates the standards you hold others too. Start with yourself. 

When we think about dating someone we don’t think about looking in the mirror and ridiculing them. I think that if you are having trouble with confidence this is where you have to start. I have never been someone who talked badly to myself, until I was in a bad relationship. After that I realized that the confidence that I had was based solely on the way that I looked and would fluctuate when I didn’t feel like I looked good. I have talked before about how over quarantine I began to pour everyday into myself. Reading, writing and doing things that I loved. This was how I began to adjust the way that I felt about my decisions. That to me is where confidence comes from, when I am confident in my decisions, who I surround myself with and how I treat others. It’s hard to be confident in your decisions if you are continuously choosing people who do not reflect the true way that you feel about yourself. 

It sounds cheesy that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” But truly how could you not? We have to think about ourselves in the highest, brightest light in order to attract someone who feels the same. It is so important to find someone who is already full so you are not pouring into them all the time. As someone who has had to do that for multiple relationships, it is truly draining. And we also don’t want to drain someone else all day either. I am working on becoming my best, truest self so that one day I will attract someone in that same state. 

I am not the person that I want to date, yet. But I am one step closer to her each day. She is growing and learning and forgiving others in the process. The higher standards that I hold myself to, the better man I am going to end up with. My husband is going to match my standards because I will not settle for anything less. It is so important to truly love yourself and be comfortable alone before a relationship. Because sometimes, some things just aren’t for you. Wait for what is.