I have never had a platform where I felt like I could be honest, and get things across in a way where I could reach people. After the feedback that I received on the first post I had a moment where this felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I was talking from my heart and allowing others to see the world through my eyes, even for a minute. I am so grateful for the words, messages and calls that I received and I want to continue to have an open and honest blog and conversations. So here it goes. 

Today I received an anonymous text message from someone that I presume to be an old friend. This text message was sent to be hurtful. Claiming that I am not who I portray to be on social media. Claiming that I am easily influenced, pathetic and materialistic. They were referencing my instagram and claiming that I want to be an “influencer.” Lol. This post is not to receive sympathy or for anyone to tell me I am not those things, because I already know this. But I want to speak on where my mindset comes from this. How I not only built my faith, but with building my faith built confidence in who I am. In every aspect. 

I have written many entries on confidence and I have experienced waves of insecurity and self doubt at times, as every woman does. But one thing that has never wavered in me, is my honesty. I started a document called “A Day In the Life” after my breakup of 3 years happened in 2018. My ex and I were known as the “perfect couple.” The ones that were sure to get married. And this relationship I will forever be grateful for because it taught both of us SO much about love, communication and trust. We both poured our hearts and souls into it and ended up exactly where we are each meant to be. This is relevant because when we broke up I found that I had formed a lot of my identity on being the girl in the relationship. Here is where things start to change. 

Over the past two years I have had other relationships that have tested my confidence and insecurities. I had no idea what it was like to be single in college and have to put yourself out there. I had never had toxic relationships before and went into situations very naive at times. I found that I was going for people that did not fit my standards or reflect the way that I deep down felt about myself. It caused me to be hurt and disappointed a lot because people were not meeting my expectations. I had to find something else to lean on. 

When I came home for quarantine in March, I no longer had the highs that I was experiencing before at college. Going out with my friends, gratification from working, and even my classes seemed all wrong. I had to find value in completely different things than I was before. I found myself every single day pouring so much time into myself. Everyday it was a different skincare routine, hair masks, writing, reading self help books, all of it. I was putting so much effort into bettering myself and shifting my attention away from temporary highs and drinking. It truly was such a blessing for me and I learned so much about myself. This season allowed me to realize that I had my priorities wrong. I was putting effort into people that did not fit my standards and in turn, becoming upset with myself. This was never who I was and so I had to spend a lot of time reflecting on these standards and writing about being loved the way that God loves me. 

I want to shift my attention to women now. I think that it is so easy to waver in our confidence because of what society shows us. It is no secret that I like to take pictures of myself and post them. I am hardly modest and I like to wear expensive things. And here is what I want to say on this. Could this be materialistic? Yeah, maybe. But is that a standard that is put on women and made to make them feel smaller or bad about what they like? Also, yes. This is what I am talking about. It is so easy in this society to label someone based on what THEY choose you to see. I want you all to see me dressed up out with my friends having a good time, because that is when I am happy. But this blog can also demonstrate that I am human. And we are all human, and this journey is not always easy. 

If I would have received that text message a year ago I think it could have really hurt me. But today I was really grateful for it. Because for one single second it caused me to question who I was. And I think that this is really important in building who you want to be. Because after that one second where I felt guilty about posting in shoes that I like with a Louis Vuitton purse, I realized something. And that something was that I do not care who likes me, because I like me. And when I say that I truly mean it. I read something once (I think that it was in Girl Wash Your Face) that said something like, “other people’s opinions of you is none of your business.” And I think that is so important to remember. I want women to read these posts and feel confident in who they are and not let someone (especially men) make them question themselves. I want to surround myself with women who are on a journey, like me, and using their faith, confidence and desires to be untouchable. As corny as that sounds. 

I am grateful, thankful and blessed with so many strong women in my life who have influenced this confidence within me. I think that it is important to remember that women can be confident in their bodies and their appearance without being vain. I support those who are doing what makes them feel good and confident because we truly have no idea what others are going through. My identity is now formed around things that I enjoy, with people that I love who meet my standards. And my Instagram pictures are cute and reflect the things that I like. Period. I ended my lost blog post stating that I am proud of myself and I want to reiterate that I am proud of anyone who is on a journey of confidence and self love. And also to the person who sent me that text today, who I know is reading this, can’t wait for you to see my next insta pic ;). Stay blessed!